When the most important person in your life tells you,
"You're losing yourself. You need to make some changes in your life and regain who you once were. I don't like seeing you retreat so far into yourself that you get lost. What can YOU do that will help YOU? I miss who you used to be."
One can feel stunned, shocked, ashamed, offended, defensive, and humbled. . . and left wondering who I was! I didn't know that I had changed - except I didn't spend any time for me anymore. And I was a lot angrier than I used to be. I was too busy taking care of other people's crazy. There wasn't any time left for me. But that was ok... at least I thought it was ok... Isn't it ok??
I've felt that almost my whole life I've worried about myself. My health isn't the greatest. I'm going to put it all out here, and I don't want sympathy, but rather understanding.
I have suffered with Auto-Immune disease since I was 19 years old when my symptoms started. I was diagnosed with ULCERATIVE COLITIS four years and three babies later... when the hubster was serving in the Navy. That means that I got to "experience" my sickness alone. With three kids. Across the country from my family. Boy was THAT fun. NOT! But I learned how to deal with the flare ups, leaving the car door open so the four year old could help the two year old out while I took the baby and ran for the bathroom! The worst of the worst was when I visited the doctor with a 94/59 blood pressure. Doctor commented "You should be dead, or in the hospital" and then she sent me home to take care of those sweet babies. . . Another Doctor told me I was "gaunt" and to gain some weight. I asked him to please sign a paper that said that so I could frame it. (I was a dancer in High School and was always on a diet). When I went to that second doctor I weighed a whopping 115 pounds at 5'7". 20 pounds below my "Normal". We were discharged from the US Navy on a hardship discharge due to my health.
Fast forward a few years, and now I had ASTHMA to go with the U.C. as well as three more precious babies. A couple more years, our last baby, and a MAJOR case of DEPRESSION added our lovely friend "ANXIETY & PANIC ATTACKS". I also added to my weight (211 pounds) and the auto immune. . . HYPOTHYROID. yay.
In 1997 my colon and liver started showing signs of pre-cancer, so I had my Large Intestine taken out. The operation was called "Illeostamosis with pull-through" also known as a J-POUCH. While my gut healed from the surgery, I got to wear an ostomy bag. I was surprised to wake up from surgery without the hurt from UC. The ostomy bag was a welcome friend. I'd do it again. Three months later another operation hooked my gut back up and I got rid of the ostomy. And I was able to get back to my Normal weight.
I actually felt HUMAN AGAIN! I had energy to run and play with my kids! ... so I started my eleven year journey homeschooling my children. And other peoples children at times. I absolutely loved it! It's still one of my best memories, and one of the better things that I have spent my life doing.
When the kids grew up, I grew out. And out. And out. But the donuts were good. And the cookies. . . Annnnd the ice cream. But I still had my "health" meaning I could handle the diseases that were wracking my body. The headaches were getting closer together than they had in all my life and were more severe. As I worked out, I could do it, but it would require a nap before the workout, and a nap before I could drive home. I think I spent as much time sleeping in the parking lot of the rec center as I did inside the rec center!
I went from being able to run, to not even wanting to walk. I spent many days, all day in bed, because I was just so exhausted all the time. Sleep and rest did not even touch the exhaustion I felt. I still feel at times. Sleep was/is a way to make the feeling go away. I still feel as tired as I do when I go to sleep. . . So I went back to the doctor. . . FIBROMYALGIA & CHRONIC FATIGUE. (no wonder I needed all those naps!) Because Fibro isn't diagnosed with just one doctors visit, I also found out I have OSTEOARTHRITIS from the rhumetologist, and CHRONIC MIGRAINE from the neurologist. oh goody. I just LOOOOVEEE auto-immune. I love my body attacking itself. (eye roll)
Lest I forget, let me add the latest to my story, that showed up after a visit to the ER. I went for a gut blockage. Nothing. But the pain was pretty extreme. Ok. Morphine wasn't touching the pain. it was a 10. for hours. But nothing was showing up in any tests. I HAD been living on anti-nausea meds daily for over a month. I finally did some self-research (again) and decided to go GLUTEN FREE. The experiment worked, I don't feel nauseated anymore and oddly enough I have a little bit of energy back. I was hoping that the fibro would leave, but crap. it's still here. Soooo..... add GLUTEN INTOLERANT to that list. Then try to go out to lunch. (Thank you Chick Fil A and Olive Garden for your gluten free menu items!)
So working through all this, and not being able to "do Normal", I decided to focus on what I can "do". I can focus on others. So I did. A lot. It made it easier to not focus on me. Because "ME" hurt! all.the.time. and "ME" was tired! all.the.time. . . and "ME" likes the grandkids more than I like laying in bed all.the.time.
And "ME" disappeared.
I have a friend that has ELEVEN KIDS! and is awesome. I met her while homeschooling. I've watched her for the last couple years as she slowly started to take back her life. I called her today to ask her one question.
As she started her journey, I wondered if she FELT SELFISH for taking time to take care of her? She told me YES. (Thank goodness for friends that walk our same pathways, isn't it!)
While pondering what my hubster told me above, my biggest hurdle to get over was the focus on "me". I don't particularly like "me". I'm fat and out of shape, I have health issues that make life extremely frustrating at times, My kids are grown and making grown up decisions that I don't agree with so that makes me feel like I failed at the job I consider the most important. I have an elderly mom that I can't take care of the way I want to, and I fail at keeping my home as clean as I want, or the hubster as honored as I feel he should be.
I feel like a big, fat, failure. And it makes my head and heart hurt. So what do I do when I hurt? I focus outward and bury the hurt. I focus outward and don't let myself heal. and I focus outward and dig a deeper hole. . .
Until last week.
Last week I decided I'd had enough, and I was going to allow myself to heal, and to find "ME" again. So I called that sweet friend, and we talked. I told her that I was ready to find my health again, and to give "it" a try. She has been so patient, and just planted seeds, while she waited for me to be ready.
I'm ready. My brain is ready. My will is ready. My body is never ready but that's just too darn bad. I'm ready.
And this is my Journey...
You are welcome to come along
No comments:
Post a Comment